Practicing Self-Compassion as a Parent
Compassion For Me, Compassion For You.
Parenting is hard. We are constantly trying to do the right thing all the time and be the “perfect parent” and my story starts with a vulnerable imperfect moment. In fact, I’m hesitant to share as I’ve noticed that a lot of parenting vulnerability on the internet leads to judgment and criticism AND I know how validated I feel when I hear other parents sharing about their vulnerable, imperfect moments. Here we go.
Last weekend, while I was in the house with my infant and my toddler by myself, I popped open a can of ice cold beer to enjoy at the kitchen table after an exhausting day and a sleep-deprived night. My son, after lengthy negotiations about what he would eat, finally decided peanut butter was acceptable so I gave him a spoonful. The baby started crying, so I left the room for just a few minutes. When I came back, my toddler was happily licking the peanut butter off the spoon and my brand new beer that I had been so looking forward to was completely spilled out all over my kitchen table and all over my kitchen floor.
Turns out, my son had tried to put the lid back on the jar of peanut butter and knocked over my can in the process. So my whole kitchen reeked of beer, I was on my hands and knees soaking liquid up from the floor, the baby was crying, and, not worst of all but certainly not ideal, I no longer had a beer. I was having a Hard Moment.
And in that Hard Moment, I paused and thought, “This is what parenting is. This is what we do, all day every day. Then we wake up and do it again.” Right then I felt connected to all my fellow parents. And feeling that connection, knowing that we were all going through these hard moments, both big and small, at the same time, gave me the beat I needed to have compassion for myself and compassion for all the other parents out there. Compassion for me, compassion for you. Constant flow.
Ask yourself, “What do I need?”
So when you’re going through these hard moments, feeling overwhelmed or dysregulated or like a failure as a parent, what can you do to stop your system from melting down? This depends on what you need.
I need to feel like I’m not alone.
If you need to feel like you’re not alone, one thing I like to do is imagine if there were a support group for all the parents in the world. I visualize how many people would attend - you’d need a football stadium to hold even a tiny percentage of them! This image always helps me remember that I’m not alone. This is a hard job and even though we might be going through different things, we’re all in it together.
I need validation.
If you’re spiraling into self-recrimination with thoughts like “I’m a bad parent. I have no idea what to do. I can’t handle this,” then you likely need reassurance and encouragement. This doesn’t have to come from an outside source! If you’re thinking these thoughts, pause for a moment and give yourself permission to be gentle with yourself. Say, “This is really hard, but I trust that I am doing a good enough job.” In that moment of struggle, that sentence may be more believable than “I’m a good parent; I can handle this every time.”
I need to help my kid regulate themselves.
Many times during hard moments, they’re not just hard for you. While my kid was eating his peanut butter without a care in the world while my kitchen was covered in beer, other times he’s crying or screaming at the same time I’m wanting to cry or scream. And his meltdown can start to trigger my own dysregulation. So in those moments, instead of acting out my frustration by yelling, I help him regulate himself, which in turn, helps me regulate myself.
The first thing I do is validate his feelings and show compassion: “It sounds like you’re really upset. This is really hard for us.” Then I walk him through breathing exercises we do together. “Let’s take our deep breaths together.” Then we sit there and take really deep breaths.
Even though I’m saying these things to him, I’m really saying them to myself. “It’s understandable that we’re upset. We can regulate ourselves and then figure out what we need. Let’s be gentle with ourselves and take our deep breaths.”
It may feel easier in the moment to yell or be strict, but that usually leads to them shutting down and you getting angrier, and nothing going well at all. But having compassion for your child, and thus yourself, is always more effective.
I need space to vent. / I need advice and resources.
If just visualizing all the other parents in the same boat as you isn’t enough and you need to connect in person, work with a therapist or join a parenting support group. Connect live with people who can help you because they know where you’re coming from.
If you struggle with practicing self-compassion as a parent, I invite you to reach out and schedule a consultation call today.
We offer online therapy in Georgia, and DBT group therapy. We are also happy to offer individual relationship counseling, young adult therapy, life transitions therapy, and individual DBT therapy.