Learning to Let Go
Do you ever find yourself dwelling on the past–past relationships, experiences, missed opportunities, etc.? Do you constantly think about what you could have, should have, would have done or changed in a way that keeps you feeling stuck and unable to move on? You’re not alone–I work with many clients who struggle to let go of things in their past, and I want to talk today about the process of letting go of what no longer is and moving into a future with fewer emotions like shame, regret, and anger.
Ultimately, through the process of letting go, we want to embrace whatever happened in the past by examining it, figuring out what we can learn from it and what we can change in the future, and then leaving behind the emotions that have kept us stuck so we can move forward. This is, of course, easier said than done, but here are some steps to help you through the process.
Step One: Reflect on the experience
A lot of times, our view of a past situation or experience can be clouded by our emotions surrounding it, or we might not have been able to have an unbiased view of it while it was happening. So reflecting on the experience in the future when we’re removed from it, can allow you to gain a clearer understanding of it. Ask yourself, what did you do in the situation that was in your best interests? What did you learn from the experience? Name the emotions that you feel about the experience, and then try to pinpoint what about the experience is causing those emotions. Determine which parts of the experience you want to let go of.
Step Two: Validate the experience
Once you’ve reflected on the experience you’re trying to let go, the next step is to validate it. People talk a lot about validating experiences and feelings, but what does that actually mean? Here, it can mean accepting that the situation you’re working to let go didn’t happen the way you wanted, and that’s okay. It can mean acknowledging that staying stuck on the situation no longer serves you and it’s okay to let it go. It can mean validating not only the situation itself, but the emotions that surround it.
If we take a failed relationship as an example of something you want to let go, you might say things to yourself like:
“The relationship ended because we were both in a different emotional space. I had to let the relationship go because I no longer was content or happy in the relationship.”
“I felt ashamed of who I was becoming in the relationship. I had to end it so I could no longer feel ashamed, and that is okay.”
Step Three: Practice “radical acceptance”
Radical acceptance is acknowledging without question that some situations are out of your control and because they are out of your control, you should not judge them. Say of your past experience: “This happened. I did not want it to happen, or it didn’t happen how I wanted it to happen, and that is okay. I accept that and can let go of any shame or guilt I feel about it.”
We talk more about the idea of radical acceptance in a separate blog post.
Step Four: Decide what you want to change
Once you’ve reflected, validated, and accepted the experience, you can figure out what you want to change so you are able to let go. Try to think of three different things that you would want to change, and develop goals around those things to help you get there.
Two key things that you may want to focus on changing are 1) how you view the experience, and 2) the emotions you feel about the experience. You can’t change what happened or how you acted at the time, but you can change your perspective on it and how you feel about it now.
Letting go can be an incredibly hard process. If you find yourself stuck on something from your past, consider working with a therapist who can support you through these stes
If you struggle with practicing letting go, I invite you to reach out and schedule a consultation call today.
We offer online therapy in Georgia, and DBT group therapy. We are also happy to offer individual relationship counseling, young adult therapy, life transitions therapy, and individual DBT therapy.
