How to Stop Feeling Like a Burden
I work with many clients who experience what I like to call “burdenism,” which I use to mean the constant notion that one is a burden, or problem, to others. Individuals experiencing burdenism perceive themselves as less deserving of humanistic values such as respect, empathy, or compassion. They do not believe themselves worthy of the time and energy others spend on them.
A person with this state of mind may say things such as:
“I don’t want to take their time away from doing more important things.”
“I will figure it out on my own.”
“They are better off without me.”
“I’ve asked for too much help; they are probably tired of me.”
Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, shame, isolation, boundary issues, or issues with rejection may cause people to dwell on negative thoughts. Dwelling on these thoughts, which are oftentimes distorted or irrational, can sabotage a person's sense of their own value and create a negative narrative about their own worth.
It can be hard for people who feel like they are a burden to ask for help. They feel they don't deserve to receive it. They may have been shamed or dismissed when asking for help as a child at home or in school, or even as an adult in the workplace or with friends. These rejections can make the person believe they are not good enough to receive help or be taken into consideration. They may feel scared to ask for help because they do not feel confident, secure, or safe enough to believe that they will be heard and that their emotional and mental needs will be met.
How can therapy help reduce “burdenism”?
Many therapeutic approaches can be helpful in reducing burdenism, including Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Narrative Therapy, Emotion-focused Therapy (EFT), Motivational Interviewing, and even Internal Family Systems therapy. In all these approaches, the therapist can guide the individual in modifying their perception of themselves and restructuring how they ask for help by helping them acknowledge the roles, narratives, and behaviors that no longer function productively. The therapist will give the individual tools that can provide a more realistic and healthy perception of self.
So what are some steps you can take in therapy to change these narratives?
Modify unhealthy thoughts.
Practice verbalizing out loud, in a FIRM, POSITIVE, and REPETITIVE manner the reasons you deserve to have your emotional and mental wants and needs met. Doing this can help you reframe your self-worth. Here are some examples of what you can say:
“I deserve to be heard because my opinion and thoughts matter.”
“If I am told ‘No,’ that is okay. Someone else will take the time to listen.”
“I am worthy because I am a human being.”
Reevaluate your core values.
Ask yourself: what are my core values and why are these values important to me? Some examples of what your core values might revolve around could be:
Love
Authenticity
Compassion
Joy
Honesty
By examining and understanding your core values, you will gain more realistic insight into your beliefs about yourself and how worthy you are of being heard, acknowledged, and validated. Restructuring the foundation of your core values will help you redirect what guides and motivates you. Instead of relying on outside sources for validation, you will be able to validate your decisions and improve your self-esteem from within.
Re-conceptualize your role in your own life.
To re-conceptualize the idea of burdenism means to modify the issues that we have negatively internalized over time.
Practice externalizing the issues by removing the negative concept you have labeled yourself, for example you can write or say: “Fear is stopping me from being heard when I need help.”
Practice self-love.
Identify your personal attributes, skills, and talents that you feel confident in. If these are hard to identify on your own, think about positive comments other people have made to you, or ask other people what they think some of your best qualities are.
“Today I choose to embrace one small step to asking for help for my needs and wants to be met.”
“I am worthy of being heard and supported because I am a valuable human being.”
“I deserve to be heard and acknowledged, I deserve compassion and empathy.”
“Today I am confident because I am in control of my own path to change.”
Remember that modifying how you view yourself takes time, so embrace the process. Be more intentional in how you choose to validate your worth, because YOU ARE VALUABLE!
If you struggle with feeling like a burden to those around you, reach out today to schedule a consultation call.
We offer online therapy in Georgia, and DBT group therapy. We are also happy to offer individual relationship counseling, young adult therapy, life transitions therapy, and individual DBT therapy.
