Compassionate Voice vs Inner Critic
I’ve been thinking a lot about burnout lately. Many of my clients, the people in my life, and even myself, have so many things we want to do. We want to say yes to nights out with our friends, we want to be helpful to our friends, family, and colleagues, we want to exercise, to cultivate a hobby, to grow professionally. We want all these things but in trying to accomplish them all, we may find ourselves exhausted, overwhelmed, and stressed out.
When you find yourself experiencing burnout, you may be hearing a lot from your inner critic. Your inner critic is that voice inside your mind that suggests judgmental comments about how you’re not doing a good enough job. It likely includes a variety of “shoulds”: “You should be more motivated. You should have better time management. You should practice more self-care.”
All these “shoulds” can leave us feeling guilty and ashamed, not only for not accomplishing everything we want to, but also for not taking care of ourselves better. And the thing about that shaming voice is that it isn't effective. Shaming yourself does not help you to change, it only makes you more exhausted, overwhelmed, and stressed out.
In addition to the inner critic, we also have an inner compassionate voice that speaks to us. This voice works to help us feel loved and held, supported and seen. It might say “it’s okay for you to want a lot AND what’s best for you right now is to take care of yourself in a way that supports that desire.” The problem is, the inner critic drowns out the compassionate voice so much that sometimes all you can hear is the judgment.
So how do we quiet that inner critic so we can hear our compassionate self?
Step One: Notice
The first step is noticing - “How do I feel? What do I want? What is important to me?” This step can be the hardest because to do it, we usually have to slow down and listen to ourselves. Chances are, if we’re experiencing burnout because we’ve got too many things we want to, or feel like we need to do, we may not think we have time to slow down. We probably even feel uncomfortable with the idea of slowing down. But if we start small, say by taking five minutes…who are we kidding? If we take 30 seconds to just sit down and be, we might start hearing some things come up.
Our brain might tell us, “I feel really tired,” or it might help us focus on what our priorities are, or what we want. One of my favorite questions to ask my clients is, “What do you want?” And frequently their answer is “I don’t know,” because they’re so focused on what other people want or what they think other people expect of them. But when we take a few minutes to listen to ourselves, what we actually want, what’s actually important to us or what is most aligned with our values and priorities, is revealed.
Step Two: Practice
The second step to quieting that inner critic is practicing a self compassion exercise that I frequently use with my clients. I’ll pose the question, “If your best friend came to you and told you they felt stressed/anxious/nervous/guilty, what would you say to them?” Would you say to them, “Yeah, you should keep doing everything you’re doing otherwise people will be disappointed and judge you” or would you say, “I see you. I see that you’re running yourself ragged, and I'm really worried about you. Let’s regroup and figure this out together.” The first response is the way your inner critic speaks to you. The second response, the response you would use with your friend, is the way your compassionate voice speaks to you. Practice applying what you would say to your friend to yourself.
Step Three: Regroup
The third step is to regroup. I really like the concept of “regrouping,” more than the concept of “changing,” because it’s a much more compassionate term. It doesn’t mean we have to take action; it means, “Let’s notice and talk about it.” If you notice that you are getting burnt out because you have lots of social obligations, regrouping let’s you tell yourself, compassionately, “I’ve noticed that I’ve been going out a lot and it is making me tired all the time. Maybe this weekend, I could stay in instead of hanging out with my friends. But if I end up going out, that’s okay too.” Regrouping gives you options.
Compassion says there is an option to change something up, but you’re not forced, or shamed, into doing it. Compassion is a reminder note that you leave yourself to refer to anytime someone asks you to do something that says, “I love you and am concerned about you. What is best for you physically and emotionally?” It doesn’t say, “You better not do too much, otherwise you’re a terrible person who can’t take care of yourself.” You have the option to decide what is best, and you don’t need to feel bad about your decision.
If you find yourself burnt out or stretched too thin, psychotherapy can help. If you have trouble giving yourself permission to say no or set a boundary, psychotherapy can help. If you find it difficult to delegate or ask for help, psychotherapy can help. If you struggle to listen to your compassionate voice over your inner critic, psychotherapy can help. You don’t have to figure it out by yourself. Schedule a consultation call today to start practicing compassion with a psychotherapist.
Avalon Psychotherapy offers online therapy in Georgia, and DBT group therapy. We are also happy to offer individual relationship counseling, young adult therapy, life transitions therapy, and individual DBT therapy.