Helping Men Process Emotions in Therapy

In general, men and women express and understand emotions very differently. While this may not be a revolutionary statement, it’s an important one to talk about, as the way that men process emotions, especially negative ones, can have a huge, detrimental impact on their mental health. This difference can also affect how we address emotions in a therapeutic setting. Today, I want to talk a little about the approach I use at my therapy practice in Atlanta, GA.

A quick disclaimer before we begin: in this post we discuss common ways that men, in particular cis men, react to and process their emotions, but everyone’s experience is different and dependent upon a multitude of factors. A therapist can help you explore your reactions and give you specific tools to process them based on what works for you.

How do men react to emotions?

If a woman feels sad, she may allow herself multiple outlets to express that sadness. She might cry or call up a friend or lean on her partner for support. If a man feels sad, he is more likely to dismiss the emotion, to shut down and not reach out for help, or to believe he can resolve it on his own. Conversely, men may explode when their emotions become too much. They might yell or say hurtful things without stopping to think, and they may not even realize why they’re doing this. These reactions don’t only occur with negative emotions. Men may dismiss feelings of joy or affection, for example, if they don’t know how to express or process them.

The first thing I want men experiencing overwhelming emotions to understand is that your reactions to these experiences are valid. They are as valid as the reactions that women have, they just look different. And some men have a tendency to fall into black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking, which may make you feel as if there is no way around these reactions, but gaining a better understanding of your emotions and your reactions to them can make a world of difference.

When I work with men who are struggling to process their emotions, we often take an analytical and psychoeducational approach.

First, we examine the emotion itself, looking at what triggered it, explaining the manifestation of the physical sensations it causes to then be able to recognize and acknowledge the feeling and give it a name.
Next, we define the reason for the behavioral response he has to the emotion (e.g., dismissive, explosive, etc.) and talk about why they might be having that reaction.
Then we identify the purpose of the emotion–what is it telling you, how can you learn from it?
Finally, we learn how to manage and embrace emotion(s) that are challenging by adding therapeutic skills.

Examining the Emotion

Identifying the trigger of an emotion may seem simple. “My daughter missed curfew, therefore I am angry.” But when we analyze the situation further, it can deepen our understanding of the emotion. If asked what physical sensations the emotion caused, the answer might be, “My heart started pounding.” A pounding heart might not signal anger–it might signal fear. By recognizing and analyzing the physical sensation, we discover that anger isn’t the true emotion, fear is.

The Reason Behind the Reaction

As we talked about earlier, men may react dismissively to their emotions and to the emotions of others, or they may explode, or completely shut down, which can lead to avoidance. Exploring the reasons behind these reactions in therapy can help us process and understand them better.

To continue with the example above, if we take a look at why this dad reacted with anger when what he was feeling is fear, answers might be that kids at school used to laugh at him any time he acted scared, or in his culture/in society, men are expected to be strong and never show fear, but they are allowed to show anger. So when he feels fear, the only way to express it is by turning it into anger. When we understand what values and beliefs we hold due to our background or past experiences, and how they affect our reactions to our emotions, we can begin unlearning the values that negatively impact the way we experience our emotions.

The Purpose of the Emotion

Once I’ve helped my clients examine their emotions and explore the reason they’re having those emotions, we will talk about what purpose our emotions can serve. Let’s use another example: a 12-year-old boy changes schools and is sad about it because he’s leaving behind his friends. While his first instinct may be to suppress or dismiss that emotion (he might say, “Crying is for babies” or “Why would I be sad? Being sad is stupid.”), we can instead talk about how that sadness can help him. In this example, it might help him by encouraging him to keep in touch with his old friends so they don’t let their friendship die, or by inspiring him to seek out new friends at his new school.

Finding Balance

After I take clients through analyzing their emotions, identifying the reason behind them, and giving them a purpose, we work on how to manage them. To be clear, it is important to know how to manage emotions so you feel confident that you are in control of them, but this does not mean not expressing them. When you are in control of your emotions, you can detect what triggers them and decide what to do about it, instead of letting the emotions decide for you. When you are in control, you allow yourself to fully experience and process your emotions by giving them a purpose, instead of shutting down or ignoring them.

Seeking Therapy for Emotional Dysregulation

If you feel like your emotions are dysregulated - like you’re feeling overwhelmed by your emotions or if you think you’re not feeling enough - a therapist can help you process this. There are many types of therapy that can help you process your emotions. Here are just a few:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) in particular helps with regulating emotions by giving you skills to manage them.
Somatic Experiencing Therapy focuses heavily on the physical aspects of emotions and how they manifest in the body.
Emotional dysregulation often shows up in people who have trauma, so a trauma therapist who uses EMDR might be useful.
Men with ADHD often experience dysregulated emotions, so seeking out a therapist who specializes in working with clients with ADHD might be right for you.
If you come from a particular cultural or social background that you think has influenced your ability to control your emotions, finding a therapist who understands your background and community may be beneficial.

If you feel like you need help processing your emotions, reach out today to schedule a consultation call.