Using DBT Skills to Manage Loneliness
Lately I’ve been thinking about the ways we cope with loneliness and the depression that can come with it. Most specifically, I’m thinking of people who are single and may be feeling lonely. Friends and family may offer advice/suggestions like, “Have you tried online dating?” Or, “Let me set you up!” Or, “You’ve just got to put yourself out there.” While these suggestions may be well-meaning, they’re not necessarily helpful. Maybe you’re not in the right headspace to date, or a romantic partner isn’t what you’re looking for.
So what do you do when you’re single and seeking connection?
Two skills we use in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) are particularly helpful when coping with loneliness and depression: Opposite Action and Contributing.
Opposite Action
“Opposite Action” is an emotional regulation skill that asks you to consider doing the opposite. It’s a simple idea, but takes practice to implement. When you’re feeling lonely or depressed, what do you do? What is your go-to action? Do you isolate yourself? Do you lay in bed ruminating? Mindlessly scroll through your phone for hours? Most of the time, these activities don’t do anything to improve your feelings of loneliness, and often they can make you feel worse. For example, depending on how you have your social media feeds organized, you’re going to be bombarded with posts that highlight people living (unrealistically) idyllic lives, which could make you feel even lonelier.
With Opposite Action, you take that go-to action and think, “What could I do instead?” Instead of isolating, consider reaching out and engaging with a friend. Instead of ruminating, consider focusing on the present moment. Instead of doomscrolling, consider going outside for a “stupid, little mental health walk.” “Consider” is the keyword here - this is not an exercise in shame where you beat yourself up because you think you should be doing these opposite actions. You’re simply asking yourself, “What would happen if I did Y instead of X? What would the resulting emotion be?”
When you consider doing Y instead of X, you might find that you feel a small sense of relief, slightly more grounded, a touch more balanced. It won’t be a miraculous 180 degree shift, but hopefully you’ll feel just a little bit better.
With practice, Opposite Action will help you break the association with the harmful behavior and cultivate the association with the helpful behavior. You’ll be more quick to think, “I’m feeling sad, maybe I need to put my phone down and go for a walk,” or, “I’m feeling lonely, who are two people who I feel safe and comfortable reaching out to in this moment?”
Contributing
“Contributing” is a distress tolerance skill that asks you to do something for someone else or something helpful for your community. In DBT, some examples of that might be looking through your closet for donations, making something thoughtful for your neighbor, or writing a thank you note. These can absolutely work, but when I talk to my clients about connection when they’re feeling lonely and isolated, I try to find something that captures their interest.
I’m not a crafter - I have friends who make the most beautiful, crafty creations. That is not me at all! But I love stationery, and I have a lot of super cute note cards. So when I’m feeling in need of connection, I will randomly drop love notes in the mail to my friends. That’s me doing something for someone else in a way that gels with my interests. What would that look like for you? Sure, you could just send a friend a text, but I encourage you to turn it up and be intentional with your action. If you’re into, say, macrame, maybe make five little macrame coasters to give out at random times - not for a holiday or birthday, but just whenever you’re feeling disconnected and want to reach out. I could be wrong, but I think most people would be absolutely thrilled to receive a craft or a thoughtfully baked treat from a friend just because.
There’s a concept in Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on mindful self compassion called, “common humanity,” where you acknowledge that all humans are connected, all humans experience suffering, and we are not alone. So even if you don’t have people you want to give your creations to specifically, there is no shortage of people to share your love with, and research shows that doing something for someone else or your community can help with loneliness and depression.
One of my favorite examples of this in action is the Random Acts of Crochet Kindness USA group I recently discovered on Facebook. Members of the group “crochet small, meaningful items that are placed in random locations in their Communities for anyone to find.” I encourage you to check out the group - the pictures of members’ contributions are sure to bring a smile to your face!
Getting Help
You can learn more about these skills in Individual DBT Coaching, which is personalized DBT to help you with whatever situation you bring to the session. This can be as broad as a panic attack or social anxiety, or as specific as “I just went through a break up and am still recovering.” If you already have experience with DBT, DBT Coaching can be used as a refresher. If you’re brand new to DBT, we slow it down and learn up to 5 skills in a session that apply to the situation you bring. If you’re interested in Individual DBT Coaching, reach out to schedule a consultation.
We’ll also be starting a new virtual DBT group in October. This group will be an intimate group of no more than 6 members. Members who have participated in group before and those with no prior DBT experience are welcome. A DBT skills workbook will be provided. Schedule a consultation to learn more!
If you’re looking for support with relationships, learn more about our individual relationship counseling and singles support group here.
Avalon Psychotherapy offers online therapy in Georgia, and DBT group therapy. We are also happy to offer individual relationship counseling, young adult therapy, life transitions therapy, and individual DBT therapy.